human again.

July 7, 2006 at 2:20 am Leave a comment

i met up with an old friend yesterday and it made me feel human all over again.

strangely, it was the act of being unable to adequately explain and describe what my fuckedup job entailed, to him, a future banker, that made me feel human again.

in the end, i just left it as my job requires me to be angry and scold people everyday.

and they both laughed it off.

in jest, he said, you can always come work for my dad.

i replied, sounds like a brilliant idea.

later in the day, i met an old mentor, someone whom im indebted and deeply ingratiated to, who tried to offer me a job for september.

before i got the hint, i said i have to return to school from august onwards.

then later, when i realised the full weight of what will you be doing in september, i eagerly replied that my remaining days in school are very slack.

i realised i can’t bear to leave the industry.

i can’t bear to leave and forget all that has happened in these past two years and start afresh again.

too many memories, too many people and events that i hold so dear to my heart that i can’t let go of.

i’m afraid to think of what i will become once i leave.

will i be broken and messed up again?

i remember when i first started out and wanted this to be my lifelong passion/ambition/occupation, it was because i felt like i fitted in.

maybe its really just this bureaucratic cold environment that i should never return to, and not the entire industry per se.

but then again, i can’t always have the luxury to work with people i like and want to work with.

but hey, if i can have just one person i like and want to work with per project, that’s enough for me.

for now, i’m still pondering over whether i should stay or leave, and i have one year to do so, i guess.

in the meantime, i’m trying to regain my sanity and humanity again, meeting up with people i haven’t seen or heard from in a while.

on a side note, i’m also reading norwegian wood.

the emotional intensity of words, mere words, has cut right through me and i am so deeply affected by the book i can’t begin to describe why and how.

all i can say now is, if i had managed to lay my hands on this book earlier, maybe when i was 17 or 18, i may have checked myself into a sanatorium, or maybe have left this small red dot of an island with greater resolution.

some emotions are just too strong for all the weight of youth to bear.


Entry filed under: dailies.

a rest day or so it seemed rescue me

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