a rest day or so it seemed

July 2, 2006 at 12:01 pm Leave a comment

and so today i had a rest day from work.

supposedly.

before the nightmare of this episode can officially be over on tuesday, i spent my off day in the office today preparing for the next bigger nightmare episode to come.

i tried to take my mind off work, off tomorrow’s work and the rest of the work to come.

so i returnedhome to channelsurf.

but in between my trusty cable channels and my overactive mind, it was hard to rest.

my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the days ahead. so i got to work, re-reading my script and re-analysing my callsheets again to see if i’ve missed out anything, over and over again.

and then i had to tell myself over and over again that everything’s going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine, before i tucked away my file.

i turned my attention to television, but the phone was just too tempting.

had an sms conversation with a former colleague whom i respect and owe a lot to, and got her very worried about me.

i assured her i’d be fine, i suffer from bouts like this when i’m demoralised at work, and am left alone to think.

then i had to grab some photos to standby for the shoot tmr, and then i went through all my past photos.

saw the photos from my very first production and i remember how childish and playful i had been then.

(whothehellwearshalterstoworkmygod.)

and then i remember how there were moments i had let my temper and ego get the better of me.

and then i try to remember my 2nd shoot but it was so unmemorable, and age is catching up with me, and my memory is fuzzy now.

and then the 3rd shoot which was so full of memories.

met so many people whom i respect and like very very much. 

learned a lot from them too, and picked up mentors along the way.

the 4th shoot was the most memorable oneday shoot with the major booboo which i have to live with forever.

and then the 5th one, the one my mentor took me along with, the one i made my first big break.

i remember how i dreaded going to work, how i was so tempted to throw in the towel then, how there were days i was so frustrated and angry all i could do when i came home was to cry in the shower and cry in bed.

and then the 6th shoot, which was so fleeting and unmemorable.

and then now, this disastrous shoot and the next disaster about to happen.

and then i found this photo album, locked and tucked away in my drawers, and then i saw the photos the boyfriend had taken of me, and then i cried.

i cried when he gave it to me, and now, almost a year later, i’m crying looking at it again.

i once asked him, if i leave this industry, will you still love me?

he said of course, don’t be silly.

but if i leave, we won’t have so much to talk about anymore.

he said again, don’t be silly, surely will have things to talk about one.

i’m scared, so scared that when i leave, everything that i love will be taken away from me. 

everything.

and then my world will crumble once again.

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Entry filed under: dailies.

goodbye human again.

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