Archive for July, 2006

on a more intellectual note

when i was seventeen, i was educated on the middle east crisis.

in our small class of, say, about roughly 20 people or less, we were taught to think that the middle east crisis was very real.

my lecturer and tutor and fellow classmates tried very hard to explain to me the roots of this crisis.

how it all started from one man, who then went on to have two wives, who then had two separate sons who both became gods, or so i think.

truth is, they all tried to explain the situation patiently to me, with my fellow classmate’s explanation being the simplest and most to the point.

but still, i couldnt get it or remember it then.

neither do i now.

but it was, and still is, strongly ingrained in me, that this crisis is very real, and very important in the current new world politics.

it’s getting more and more real now, with a sharp escalation in violence.

but strange, no one i know is talking about it.

strange, no one is attempting to talk to me about it.

and strange, chances are, people are more worried about earthquakes and tsunamis in indonesia than bombs in lebanon.

strange.

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July 20, 2006 at 2:49 pm Leave a comment

of mindless spending and juicy gossip

i’ve recently gone mad again.

bought 2 skirts and 4 t-shirts thinking “school is starting soon, need new clothes”.

but not bad at all, i only spent slightly over 50bucks.

but still, i don’t need any more new clothes.

my cupboard is a mess at the moment, like a mountain, and in the midst of finding clothes that i want to wear for the day, i always uncover clothes that i haven’t worn for a long time. sigh.

and of juicy gossip, i found a new bitching partner! 🙂

i now have a new outlet to bitch about work to, who totally understands and can put a face to the people i’m talking about 🙂 yay! 🙂

takes bitching to a whole new level 🙂

i’m so happy and so excited i must be so irritating. haha!!

*prancesaroundwildlyinjoy*

and on a side note, i should have known i would never have the misfortune to have to lunch alone.

i cancelled the lunch date with the boyfriend because it was pouring over here at the office and i didn’t want him to get wet.

so then i went to lunch alone. 

and then tiffaneenee called and said she’s coming she’s coming!

and so i waited for them to arrive before ordering my atas coffee. yay. 🙂

*i’m happy*

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 😀

July 19, 2006 at 4:57 am Leave a comment

drinking games

i haven’t drank in say, about, over a year.

but of all the strangest times and strangest places, i had swigs of alcohol.

in the comfort of my own home and surrounded by the people whom i’ve spent so many years getting to know, no less.

it felt good, and somehow, took that taboo-ness of drinking away.

surrounded by friends, in broad daylight, sitting by the mahjong table, and drinking, somehow, just felt normal, innocent, and friendly.

i had a good time, did you?

additionally, in my quest to meet old friends from work, i met an old friend/neighbour from work for dinner yesterday night.

even though we weren’t really the best of friends at work – we hardly even talked!

but it was the strange circumstance of us staying so near to each other that brought us to that dinner.

but anyways, i  had a good time.

we realised we had more friends in common than we knew.

and through the conversation with him, i’m slowly but surely letting go of my nightmare of last november/december, and my ultimate work boo boo.

strange, i thought, when i was sitting there, i’ve fucked up on the two shoots that we were on, he must belong to the category of people i must make a u-turn when i sight him within a hundred mile radius, but here i am having dinner with him, alone, no less.

but the dinner did me good, understood some things, learnt to let go of some things, and i’m now a better and happier person with one less person to u-turn from on the streets 🙂

i’m happy 🙂

July 17, 2006 at 8:00 am 1 comment

list of things to be happy about

1. i woke up to the smell of rain, so i decided to work from home till the rain stopped. soon the doorbell rang and i was greeted by my new birks from germany! 🙂

 2. i’m no longer angry about work because i no longer care that hell lot about it. i’m so zen now it’s amazing.

 3. much of my work now involves waiting – waiting for things to happen, waiting for dates to be confirmed. so it’s good. i can sit her surfing birks and sms-ing people to meet me for dinner.

4. i met a cute man yesterday, but then i saw his miu miu spectacles and rolex watch and i got scared. but hey, it’s always nice to be chatted up by cute men.

5. i woke up in the middle of the night last night crying, because i had a bad dream. but all’s good, because it made me realise im so happy and so in love now.

6. life’s good now, because my priorities have been temporarily reshuffled. i can’t wait to go back to school now.

July 12, 2006 at 6:33 am Leave a comment

norwegian wood

i’ve finally finished reading norwegian wood.

it has been one of my most tiring and yet enjoyable reads in a long time.

i read it from cover to cover (including the reviews and blurb) and i want to read it again.

and again.

that’s how much i like it.

the review at the end said that many readers felt that it was “autobiographical” and that it was “a simple love story”.

well, to me, it’s also “love stories” and also “simple stories”.

if you really want to be totally anal about it, there is no love in the traditional normal sense.

there’s just a hell lot of emotions.

which is yet another thing i love about it.

the layers and depths of emotions portrayed in the brashness and innocence of all of seventeen years old in 1960s Japan.

the novel is strangely depressing and yet affirmative at the same time.

we are all strange and broken in some way or another, and we can heal one another, or so the function of and message behind the sanatorium seems to be.

i couldn’t agree more.

and words, the dis-ability to use words, symbolises the final breakdown and inevitable suicide of naoko.

how true and apt.

because what else but words are the symbols we use to communicate daily with one another.

and when we fail to be able to use these basic symbols, we fail to be able to connect with one another, and it leads inevitably to isolation and self-destruction.

reading it, i felt like i was naoko and yet toru watanabe at the same time.

and essentially, they mirror one another.

both broken, needy and isolated.

in general, all the characters in this novel are flawed, imperfect.

which made me feel for them even more.

and the all-pervasive sense of an uncontrollable hurtle towards self-destruction of all the characters made the novel all the more dramatic and capivating.

even though the novel doesn’t end with midori or reiko, or even watanabe, i know, or rather, i feel, they are all going to die, jthe way Kizuki did, the way Naoko did, the way Naoko’s sister did, the way hatsumi did.

i just feel so.

so many beautiful quotes and writings in this novel if i were to quote them all, i’d be charged with plagiarism.

and i know how sick and morbid this may sound, but i’m still going to say it.

suicide seems to be almost romantic in a sense, in this novel, and damn, i wish i were kizuki.

and even though my seventeen was in the twentyfirstcentury, here in this sunny little island, i recognise this same eternal world of seventeen that watanabe midori kizuki naoko reiko hatsumi nagasawa lived in.

i never want to grow up.

July 11, 2006 at 2:12 pm 3 comments

rescue me

in a bid to rescue myself from my recent downandoutbout with regard to work, i have spent a ridiculous amount of money.

strangely, it has made me more depressed and worried than before i embarked on this ambitious spendmoneytomakemyself happy project.

here’s the tally so far:

1. black dress/shirt – 35bucks (you know, in anticipation of switching industry, for my future new job)

2. polka dot blouse – 30 bucks (also, for, erm, the new job in the new industry. i have no formal wear! plus, you only get 50% discount if you buy 2 items…)

3. black puma shoes – 125 bucks (for work – you know, i need to wear covered shoes for work)

4. crocs – 40somethingbucks (which i ordered a long time back already. also for work, for, you know, rainy days…)

5. black birkenstock floridas – 70 bucks (been eyeing it for the longest time…)

6. (for those who don’t know it already) samsung phone – 228 bucks (because my $(%$& phone just refused to read my sim card and died on me)

7. spectacles – a thighslapping 540bucks (and it’s not because i spent on the frame, the frama was dirtcheap at 60bucks after discount. it was the (%$&% “import from japan” lenses that made up the rest of the whopping sum)

8. 2 bottles of vodka from dutyfree – 45bucks (just cos they’re cheap, and good as birthday party presents)

9. norwegian wood – 20bucks (hey i need my intellectual feed)

grandtotal : 1133something bucks.

welldone.

*whacksselfatthebackofthehead*

on another note, if you wish to donate to the rescuemefrompovertyfund, you know the number to call. i accept anything coffeefromthevendingmachinetreats to breakfast treats to a sumptuous buffet treat at the ritz carlton.

July 10, 2006 at 5:31 am Leave a comment

human again.

i met up with an old friend yesterday and it made me feel human all over again.

strangely, it was the act of being unable to adequately explain and describe what my fuckedup job entailed, to him, a future banker, that made me feel human again.

in the end, i just left it as my job requires me to be angry and scold people everyday.

and they both laughed it off.

in jest, he said, you can always come work for my dad.

i replied, sounds like a brilliant idea.

later in the day, i met an old mentor, someone whom im indebted and deeply ingratiated to, who tried to offer me a job for september.

before i got the hint, i said i have to return to school from august onwards.

then later, when i realised the full weight of what will you be doing in september, i eagerly replied that my remaining days in school are very slack.

i realised i can’t bear to leave the industry.

i can’t bear to leave and forget all that has happened in these past two years and start afresh again.

too many memories, too many people and events that i hold so dear to my heart that i can’t let go of.

i’m afraid to think of what i will become once i leave.

will i be broken and messed up again?

i remember when i first started out and wanted this to be my lifelong passion/ambition/occupation, it was because i felt like i fitted in.

maybe its really just this bureaucratic cold environment that i should never return to, and not the entire industry per se.

but then again, i can’t always have the luxury to work with people i like and want to work with.

but hey, if i can have just one person i like and want to work with per project, that’s enough for me.

for now, i’m still pondering over whether i should stay or leave, and i have one year to do so, i guess.

in the meantime, i’m trying to regain my sanity and humanity again, meeting up with people i haven’t seen or heard from in a while.

on a side note, i’m also reading norwegian wood.

the emotional intensity of words, mere words, has cut right through me and i am so deeply affected by the book i can’t begin to describe why and how.

all i can say now is, if i had managed to lay my hands on this book earlier, maybe when i was 17 or 18, i may have checked myself into a sanatorium, or maybe have left this small red dot of an island with greater resolution.

some emotions are just too strong for all the weight of youth to bear.

July 7, 2006 at 2:20 am Leave a comment

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