the msn chat

May 27, 2006 at 4:33 am 2 comments

and so while waiting for my work to start on a saturday, i sit here and have a little msn conversation with a friend.

and she says, stop working lah.

i said, i find it hard to say no. 

and she says, you have to learn to start saying no instead of just complaining.

but i still find it hard to say no.

and then the topic drifted on to being about work, work in the media industry in particular.

she questioned me about leaving the media industry.

and i say i can't, i'm too addicted to it.

and it's true you know, i want to leave, and yet don't want to leave at the same time.

the past week, when i fucked up day after day, even fucked up something as simple as medialogging.

i thought, maybe it's a sign.

maybe i'm not meant for this.

thing is, i've fucked up before.

but fucking up day after day is demoralizing.

draining.

until whatever little shreds of confidence i had built up in the past months, just suddenly went

*poof*

and so she says she's tired of work, wants to leave for a year.

and she really means leave, like fly away.

i felt saddened by the thought.

thing is, i love my work.

i really do.

even when the boyfriend says he hates drama shoots.

i get upset.

because i live for drama shoots and feature films.

and commercials too – but more for the eye-opening factor and of course the moolah.

(hey i got bills to pay.)

so anyways, i love my work. i live for feature films, for drama shoots.

i like the continuity, and i like seeing my band of brothers, getting used to them, seeing them for 30days on end, spending time after shoot going out for meals with them, going for movies with them, going for karaoke sessions with them…

i like getting to know them bit by bit, knowing what food they like to eat…

and i remember what i thought about when i was on my very first shoot.

then, i felt like i belonged.

i looked around me, and these people surrounding me, they were strange, incomplete, fragmented people.

and in that strange company, i felt like i fitted in.

because i was (and still am) pretty darn strange as a person, and fragmented as a person.

but as time went by, it became more of real work to me, rather than a social gathering.

and of course, fitting in with the group or not slowly got thrown out of the equation.

it became a simpler equation, something like:

i'm available + got pay = work

and then i recall other people i know, who are slowly but surely dropping out of the industry, and i think to myself, how much more time do i have?

how much more time do i have to discover myself?

to find myself?

and to slowly but surely extricate myself from this so-called work?

i'm a workaholic.

i think everyone but me knew that.

i only found out last week when i realised in a down and out moment that i had been working 16hour days and 7day weeks based on the equation

work = me

and so now, i've seen the light.

it's still hard to say no.

but i'll try harder.

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Entry filed under: dailies.

lovestory (updated) a quickie

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. LiSh  |  May 27, 2006 at 7:06 am

    We’ve also talked about this. In the end we are all only responsible to ourselves. Screwing up doesn’t mean you’re not good, it just means you are not that good yet.

    Reply
  • 2. big guy  |  May 29, 2006 at 12:44 am

    hey… my supe’s said to me before she’d rather i screw up as much as i can while i’m interning… rather than if i actually come back to work for the company. dun worry too much. im workaholic too… 15 hour days! can’t match ur 16 tho.

    Reply

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