a rest day or so it seemed

and so today i had a rest day from work.

supposedly.

before the nightmare of this episode can officially be over on tuesday, i spent my off day in the office today preparing for the next bigger nightmare episode to come.

i tried to take my mind off work, off tomorrow’s work and the rest of the work to come.

so i returnedhome to channelsurf.

but in between my trusty cable channels and my overactive mind, it was hard to rest.

my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the days ahead. so i got to work, re-reading my script and re-analysing my callsheets again to see if i’ve missed out anything, over and over again.

and then i had to tell myself over and over again that everything’s going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine, before i tucked away my file.

i turned my attention to television, but the phone was just too tempting.

had an sms conversation with a former colleague whom i respect and owe a lot to, and got her very worried about me.

i assured her i’d be fine, i suffer from bouts like this when i’m demoralised at work, and am left alone to think.

then i had to grab some photos to standby for the shoot tmr, and then i went through all my past photos.

saw the photos from my very first production and i remember how childish and playful i had been then.

(whothehellwearshalterstoworkmygod.)

and then i remember how there were moments i had let my temper and ego get the better of me.

and then i try to remember my 2nd shoot but it was so unmemorable, and age is catching up with me, and my memory is fuzzy now.

and then the 3rd shoot which was so full of memories.

met so many people whom i respect and like very very much. 

learned a lot from them too, and picked up mentors along the way.

the 4th shoot was the most memorable oneday shoot with the major booboo which i have to live with forever.

and then the 5th one, the one my mentor took me along with, the one i made my first big break.

i remember how i dreaded going to work, how i was so tempted to throw in the towel then, how there were days i was so frustrated and angry all i could do when i came home was to cry in the shower and cry in bed.

and then the 6th shoot, which was so fleeting and unmemorable.

and then now, this disastrous shoot and the next disaster about to happen.

and then i found this photo album, locked and tucked away in my drawers, and then i saw the photos the boyfriend had taken of me, and then i cried.

i cried when he gave it to me, and now, almost a year later, i’m crying looking at it again.

i once asked him, if i leave this industry, will you still love me?

he said of course, don’t be silly.

but if i leave, we won’t have so much to talk about anymore.

he said again, don’t be silly, surely will have things to talk about one.

i’m scared, so scared that when i leave, everything that i love will be taken away from me. 

everything.

and then my world will crumble once again.

goodbye

i just want to say, that i’m pretty convinced now that it’s about time for me to leave the industry.

one year from now, when i’m done with school, it’s time to seek out new forms of work.

for the past two years, i have been so fixated on work in this industry, thinking of ways, and working really hard to breakthrough from an intern, breakthrough from a prodtnasst.

things happened along the way, i made friends along the way, i made major booboos along the way.

and i’m very thankful i had the boyfriend by my side all this while to guide me along, sometimes encouraging me, or simply just listening to me.

along the way too, i’ve seen friends and people i admired leave the industry, and it hit me really bad.

a while ago, i was already thinking, when will it be me?

just about 8 months ago, i made my so-called first major breakthrough, became as asstdirector for a kiddy chinese drama.

i thought that was it, my very first break.

i worked really hard that 1.5months, tried so so so very hard.

but i was ultimately very inexperienced.

i wouldn’t go so far to say i was bullied, but i was unhappy.

the work was tough, i had to handle people who were way more experienced than me, but at least there was some semblance of brotherhood that kept me going.

it was those times when my production manager, seeing me still in the office at 9pm, coercing me to let her send me home even though she didn’t live anywhere near me.

she treated me like her little daughter, patiently guiding me along.

it was small moments like those that kept me going.

then, even though i was unhappy, i felt human.

then i joined this impersonal bureaucratic institution, and i was very unhappy.

i have no friends here, i can’t find my brotherhood anywhere.

nobody trusts anybody here.

all i felt in here was loneliness and fear.

and i still don’t know why i stayed on.

i think it’s because i like work too much.

i just can’t imagine what i can do with a twomonthbreak.

and so i signed on the dotted line.

recent events have shown me that maybe i can’t handle so many things after all.

and i am all the more convinced that this bureaucratic impersonal institution is not the place for me.

i somehow am made to feel less than human here.

and i’ve thought pretty long and hard about this decision, and it’s really not as impulsive as it sounds.

i think i’m leaving this industry for good.

but, that said, i still owe a lot of people for the help they have given me, and the trust they have placed in me.

and if and when they need my help again, i will still offer whatever help i can offer, because i still believe in the brotherhood that had kept me going.

i miss my band of brothers.

but we can’t always have things our way.

i can’t always work with my same band of brothers all the time.

i will miss them very very much.

but i think it’s about time to move on and leave behind my follies of youth.

so here’s a formal goodbye to all that i believed in and loved and fought hard for the past two years.