on a more intellectual note

when i was seventeen, i was educated on the middle east crisis.

in our small class of, say, about roughly 20 people or less, we were taught to think that the middle east crisis was very real.

my lecturer and tutor and fellow classmates tried very hard to explain to me the roots of this crisis.

how it all started from one man, who then went on to have two wives, who then had two separate sons who both became gods, or so i think.

truth is, they all tried to explain the situation patiently to me, with my fellow classmate’s explanation being the simplest and most to the point.

but still, i couldnt get it or remember it then.

neither do i now.

but it was, and still is, strongly ingrained in me, that this crisis is very real, and very important in the current new world politics.

it’s getting more and more real now, with a sharp escalation in violence.

but strange, no one i know is talking about it.

strange, no one is attempting to talk to me about it.

and strange, chances are, people are more worried about earthquakes and tsunamis in indonesia than bombs in lebanon.

strange.

of mindless spending and juicy gossip

i’ve recently gone mad again.

bought 2 skirts and 4 t-shirts thinking “school is starting soon, need new clothes”.

but not bad at all, i only spent slightly over 50bucks.

but still, i don’t need any more new clothes.

my cupboard is a mess at the moment, like a mountain, and in the midst of finding clothes that i want to wear for the day, i always uncover clothes that i haven’t worn for a long time. sigh.

and of juicy gossip, i found a new bitching partner!

i now have a new outlet to bitch about work to, who totally understands and can put a face to the people i’m talking about yay!

takes bitching to a whole new level

i’m so happy and so excited i must be so irritating. haha!!

*prancesaroundwildlyinjoy*

and on a side note, i should have known i would never have the misfortune to have to lunch alone.

i cancelled the lunch date with the boyfriend because it was pouring over here at the office and i didn’t want him to get wet.

so then i went to lunch alone. 

and then tiffaneenee called and said she’s coming she’s coming!

and so i waited for them to arrive before ordering my atas coffee. yay.

*i’m happy*

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

drinking games

i haven’t drank in say, about, over a year.

but of all the strangest times and strangest places, i had swigs of alcohol.

in the comfort of my own home and surrounded by the people whom i’ve spent so many years getting to know, no less.

it felt good, and somehow, took that taboo-ness of drinking away.

surrounded by friends, in broad daylight, sitting by the mahjong table, and drinking, somehow, just felt normal, innocent, and friendly.

i had a good time, did you?

additionally, in my quest to meet old friends from work, i met an old friend/neighbour from work for dinner yesterday night.

even though we weren’t really the best of friends at work - we hardly even talked!

but it was the strange circumstance of us staying so near to each other that brought us to that dinner.

but anyways, i  had a good time.

we realised we had more friends in common than we knew.

and through the conversation with him, i’m slowly but surely letting go of my nightmare of last november/december, and my ultimate work boo boo.

strange, i thought, when i was sitting there, i’ve fucked up on the two shoots that we were on, he must belong to the category of people i must make a u-turn when i sight him within a hundred mile radius, but here i am having dinner with him, alone, no less.

but the dinner did me good, understood some things, learnt to let go of some things, and i’m now a better and happier person with one less person to u-turn from on the streets

i’m happy

list of things to be happy about

1. i woke up to the smell of rain, so i decided to work from home till the rain stopped. soon the doorbell rang and i was greeted by my new birks from germany!

 2. i’m no longer angry about work because i no longer care that hell lot about it. i’m so zen now it’s amazing.

 3. much of my work now involves waiting - waiting for things to happen, waiting for dates to be confirmed. so it’s good. i can sit her surfing birks and sms-ing people to meet me for dinner.

4. i met a cute man yesterday, but then i saw his miu miu spectacles and rolex watch and i got scared. but hey, it’s always nice to be chatted up by cute men.

5. i woke up in the middle of the night last night crying, because i had a bad dream. but all’s good, because it made me realise im so happy and so in love now.

6. life’s good now, because my priorities have been temporarily reshuffled. i can’t wait to go back to school now.

norwegian wood

i’ve finally finished reading norwegian wood.

it has been one of my most tiring and yet enjoyable reads in a long time.

i read it from cover to cover (including the reviews and blurb) and i want to read it again.

and again.

that’s how much i like it.

the review at the end said that many readers felt that it was “autobiographical” and that it was “a simple love story”.

well, to me, it’s also “love stories” and also “simple stories”.

if you really want to be totally anal about it, there is no love in the traditional normal sense.

there’s just a hell lot of emotions.

which is yet another thing i love about it.

the layers and depths of emotions portrayed in the brashness and innocence of all of seventeen years old in 1960s Japan.

the novel is strangely depressing and yet affirmative at the same time.

we are all strange and broken in some way or another, and we can heal one another, or so the function of and message behind the sanatorium seems to be.

i couldn’t agree more.

and words, the dis-ability to use words, symbolises the final breakdown and inevitable suicide of naoko.

how true and apt.

because what else but words are the symbols we use to communicate daily with one another.

and when we fail to be able to use these basic symbols, we fail to be able to connect with one another, and it leads inevitably to isolation and self-destruction.

reading it, i felt like i was naoko and yet toru watanabe at the same time.

and essentially, they mirror one another.

both broken, needy and isolated.

in general, all the characters in this novel are flawed, imperfect.

which made me feel for them even more.

and the all-pervasive sense of an uncontrollable hurtle towards self-destruction of all the characters made the novel all the more dramatic and capivating.

even though the novel doesn’t end with midori or reiko, or even watanabe, i know, or rather, i feel, they are all going to die, jthe way Kizuki did, the way Naoko did, the way Naoko’s sister did, the way hatsumi did.

i just feel so.

so many beautiful quotes and writings in this novel if i were to quote them all, i’d be charged with plagiarism.

and i know how sick and morbid this may sound, but i’m still going to say it.

suicide seems to be almost romantic in a sense, in this novel, and damn, i wish i were kizuki.

and even though my seventeen was in the twentyfirstcentury, here in this sunny little island, i recognise this same eternal world of seventeen that watanabe midori kizuki naoko reiko hatsumi nagasawa lived in.

i never want to grow up.

rescue me

in a bid to rescue myself from my recent downandoutbout with regard to work, i have spent a ridiculous amount of money.

strangely, it has made me more depressed and worried than before i embarked on this ambitious spendmoneytomakemyself happy project.

here’s the tally so far:

1. black dress/shirt - 35bucks (you know, in anticipation of switching industry, for my future new job)

2. polka dot blouse - 30 bucks (also, for, erm, the new job in the new industry. i have no formal wear! plus, you only get 50% discount if you buy 2 items…)

3. black puma shoes - 125 bucks (for work - you know, i need to wear covered shoes for work)

4. crocs - 40somethingbucks (which i ordered a long time back already. also for work, for, you know, rainy days…)

5. black birkenstock floridas - 70 bucks (been eyeing it for the longest time…)

6. (for those who don’t know it already) samsung phone - 228 bucks (because my $(%$& phone just refused to read my sim card and died on me)

7. spectacles - a thighslapping 540bucks (and it’s not because i spent on the frame, the frama was dirtcheap at 60bucks after discount. it was the (%$&% “import from japan” lenses that made up the rest of the whopping sum)

8. 2 bottles of vodka from dutyfree - 45bucks (just cos they’re cheap, and good as birthday party presents)

9. norwegian wood - 20bucks (hey i need my intellectual feed)

grandtotal : 1133something bucks.

welldone.

*whacksselfatthebackofthehead*

on another note, if you wish to donate to the rescuemefrompovertyfund, you know the number to call. i accept anything coffeefromthevendingmachinetreats to breakfast treats to a sumptuous buffet treat at the ritz carlton.

human again.

i met up with an old friend yesterday and it made me feel human all over again.

strangely, it was the act of being unable to adequately explain and describe what my fuckedup job entailed, to him, a future banker, that made me feel human again.

in the end, i just left it as my job requires me to be angry and scold people everyday.

and they both laughed it off.

in jest, he said, you can always come work for my dad.

i replied, sounds like a brilliant idea.

later in the day, i met an old mentor, someone whom im indebted and deeply ingratiated to, who tried to offer me a job for september.

before i got the hint, i said i have to return to school from august onwards.

then later, when i realised the full weight of what will you be doing in september, i eagerly replied that my remaining days in school are very slack.

i realised i can’t bear to leave the industry.

i can’t bear to leave and forget all that has happened in these past two years and start afresh again.

too many memories, too many people and events that i hold so dear to my heart that i can’t let go of.

i’m afraid to think of what i will become once i leave.

will i be broken and messed up again?

i remember when i first started out and wanted this to be my lifelong passion/ambition/occupation, it was because i felt like i fitted in.

maybe its really just this bureaucratic cold environment that i should never return to, and not the entire industry per se.

but then again, i can’t always have the luxury to work with people i like and want to work with.

but hey, if i can have just one person i like and want to work with per project, that’s enough for me.

for now, i’m still pondering over whether i should stay or leave, and i have one year to do so, i guess.

in the meantime, i’m trying to regain my sanity and humanity again, meeting up with people i haven’t seen or heard from in a while.

on a side note, i’m also reading norwegian wood.

the emotional intensity of words, mere words, has cut right through me and i am so deeply affected by the book i can’t begin to describe why and how.

all i can say now is, if i had managed to lay my hands on this book earlier, maybe when i was 17 or 18, i may have checked myself into a sanatorium, or maybe have left this small red dot of an island with greater resolution.

some emotions are just too strong for all the weight of youth to bear.

a rest day or so it seemed

and so today i had a rest day from work.

supposedly.

before the nightmare of this episode can officially be over on tuesday, i spent my off day in the office today preparing for the next bigger nightmare episode to come.

i tried to take my mind off work, off tomorrow’s work and the rest of the work to come.

so i returnedhome to channelsurf.

but in between my trusty cable channels and my overactive mind, it was hard to rest.

my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the days ahead. so i got to work, re-reading my script and re-analysing my callsheets again to see if i’ve missed out anything, over and over again.

and then i had to tell myself over and over again that everything’s going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine, before i tucked away my file.

i turned my attention to television, but the phone was just too tempting.

had an sms conversation with a former colleague whom i respect and owe a lot to, and got her very worried about me.

i assured her i’d be fine, i suffer from bouts like this when i’m demoralised at work, and am left alone to think.

then i had to grab some photos to standby for the shoot tmr, and then i went through all my past photos.

saw the photos from my very first production and i remember how childish and playful i had been then.

(whothehellwearshalterstoworkmygod.)

and then i remember how there were moments i had let my temper and ego get the better of me.

and then i try to remember my 2nd shoot but it was so unmemorable, and age is catching up with me, and my memory is fuzzy now.

and then the 3rd shoot which was so full of memories.

met so many people whom i respect and like very very much. 

learned a lot from them too, and picked up mentors along the way.

the 4th shoot was the most memorable oneday shoot with the major booboo which i have to live with forever.

and then the 5th one, the one my mentor took me along with, the one i made my first big break.

i remember how i dreaded going to work, how i was so tempted to throw in the towel then, how there were days i was so frustrated and angry all i could do when i came home was to cry in the shower and cry in bed.

and then the 6th shoot, which was so fleeting and unmemorable.

and then now, this disastrous shoot and the next disaster about to happen.

and then i found this photo album, locked and tucked away in my drawers, and then i saw the photos the boyfriend had taken of me, and then i cried.

i cried when he gave it to me, and now, almost a year later, i’m crying looking at it again.

i once asked him, if i leave this industry, will you still love me?

he said of course, don’t be silly.

but if i leave, we won’t have so much to talk about anymore.

he said again, don’t be silly, surely will have things to talk about one.

i’m scared, so scared that when i leave, everything that i love will be taken away from me. 

everything.

and then my world will crumble once again.

goodbye

i just want to say, that i’m pretty convinced now that it’s about time for me to leave the industry.

one year from now, when i’m done with school, it’s time to seek out new forms of work.

for the past two years, i have been so fixated on work in this industry, thinking of ways, and working really hard to breakthrough from an intern, breakthrough from a prodtnasst.

things happened along the way, i made friends along the way, i made major booboos along the way.

and i’m very thankful i had the boyfriend by my side all this while to guide me along, sometimes encouraging me, or simply just listening to me.

along the way too, i’ve seen friends and people i admired leave the industry, and it hit me really bad.

a while ago, i was already thinking, when will it be me?

just about 8 months ago, i made my so-called first major breakthrough, became as asstdirector for a kiddy chinese drama.

i thought that was it, my very first break.

i worked really hard that 1.5months, tried so so so very hard.

but i was ultimately very inexperienced.

i wouldn’t go so far to say i was bullied, but i was unhappy.

the work was tough, i had to handle people who were way more experienced than me, but at least there was some semblance of brotherhood that kept me going.

it was those times when my production manager, seeing me still in the office at 9pm, coercing me to let her send me home even though she didn’t live anywhere near me.

she treated me like her little daughter, patiently guiding me along.

it was small moments like those that kept me going.

then, even though i was unhappy, i felt human.

then i joined this impersonal bureaucratic institution, and i was very unhappy.

i have no friends here, i can’t find my brotherhood anywhere.

nobody trusts anybody here.

all i felt in here was loneliness and fear.

and i still don’t know why i stayed on.

i think it’s because i like work too much.

i just can’t imagine what i can do with a twomonthbreak.

and so i signed on the dotted line.

recent events have shown me that maybe i can’t handle so many things after all.

and i am all the more convinced that this bureaucratic impersonal institution is not the place for me.

i somehow am made to feel less than human here.

and i’ve thought pretty long and hard about this decision, and it’s really not as impulsive as it sounds.

i think i’m leaving this industry for good.

but, that said, i still owe a lot of people for the help they have given me, and the trust they have placed in me.

and if and when they need my help again, i will still offer whatever help i can offer, because i still believe in the brotherhood that had kept me going.

i miss my band of brothers.

but we can’t always have things our way.

i can’t always work with my same band of brothers all the time.

i will miss them very very much.

but i think it’s about time to move on and leave behind my follies of youth.

so here’s a formal goodbye to all that i believed in and loved and fought hard for the past two years.

what you don’t do

i just think, that people are only too quick to see and remember what you don’t do.

today, day 3 was a disastrous day, and this whole shoot has been a disaster to start with.

prepro was madness mayhem all rolled into one.

day one was an overrun day, and i’m so tired now i can’t recall exactly what happened that day, but as of what i can remember, it was a disaster since 7am in the morning.

day two was an underrun day and it was the best day so far.

did a pretty good job, if i may say so myself, considering we managed to set off for location on time in the morning when only i alone was left to shuttle between the makeupunit, the propsunit and the wardrobeunit.

day three, which is today, is one of those days when i am utterly convinced leaving the industry is the best way to go.

and the thought which i am taking to sleep now is, why didn’t i leave when i could, why?

why?